I Want To Ride My Bicycle

Fragile. Wobbly...like a restaurant table with a pretty tablecloth. It looks good. You sit down. It's unbalanced and makes everything shake. Annoying. That's how it is. Sunshine on the outside and some scattered showers on the inside. It's been 8 months since the big rain cleaned us out.

I'm back from Savannah. I felt like a horse with blinders clip-clopping through the holidays. I pretended I had a home and helped my sister decorate. I laughed hard. I cried hard. The holidays has always been a trigger point for me. I now wish I could complain about putting up and putting down Christmas decorations. Figures. Now,  I want my own Christmas tree,my silly ornaments, or my own champagne glasses for New Years. I want to belong. I feel like I'm on a twilight show episode.

Today, I took a long walk down Pennington Bend with my dog Nuke. The winter landscape is showing signs of the May flood. I saw buckets, lamps, a shoe....people's history hanging tightly in bushes. I felt a lump in my throat. I looked at rebuilt homes with folks back in them. Looks cozy. More lumps in my throat.  I'm happy for them. I'm sad for us.

It's not that easy. We owe money. We spent a lot of money renovating this house. We are caught in the middle of nowhere. We are not poor. We are not rich. This makes us invisible. We see the incredible generosity of every day people as well as famous folks giving money to flood survivor non-profit organizations. We look at this money like a kid who looks at candy. The problem is that we are simply looking at it. It never touches the palm of our hands. Don't get me wrong. We have had friends, family, and churches give us gift cards. This was a blessing. Thank you.

 I found myself begging. I went to Red Cross, and told them I had no bed. They gave us $500. You see my former bed was way more than that amount. So, now I'm an ingrate as well as a beggar. I never wanted to be either one. I'm tired of begging. I'm tired of the paperwork. I'm tired of the people who don't do a good job at helping us.

So, what I'm I saying...what is the point of my lamentation? I don't know. Humor is my savior, but I don't feel my usual sparkle.  I don't want you to feel sorry for us. I'm just unsure of where I belong. The New Year is rich with opportunities. We will be on our yellow brick road eventually. I just have to tame my inner cowardly lion in order to reach freedom.

Quote by Linda Brakeall "Life is like riding a bike. It is impossible to maintain your balance while standing still".

Let's get rolling.

Copyright Diane Sesler 1/6/2011