Jingle Hell, Jingle Hell & HAM It Up!

…and so the Fairy Tale Christmas begins. The lovely once a year holiday family reunion is about to begin. The perfection of it all. You see it on commercials. Everyone smiles. Everybody is so damn happy to get a pink nutcracker, a banana peeler, ostrich feather earrings, or a hockey playing fruitcake puck. In my head, I’m in harmony with everyone. I’d like to buy the world a coke.

If you want to achieve harmony, do not buy a HAM. I did. Big mistake. I’m 509 miles away from my family.  I have managed to start World War III. My HAM has turned into a ticking time bomb. I’m in possession of a suicidal package.

“Hey sis, I’ll buy a ham and bring it with me for Christmas.” “That sounds lovely said sister no 2.” We are in perfect HAMony.

All is well for a split second.

Maman Jovette calls sister Lise. Maman Jovette and Papa Raymond tell Lise that Uncle Germain has ordered a HAM. Puzzled sister No. 2 says that Sister No. 1 Diane has already bought a HAM.

Maman Jovette start screeching because there should never be 2 HAMs competing on the same Holiday table. Deep confusion settles in as to what can oncle Germain bring now? There’s not much else to buy in the world besides HAM. Maman tells Lise that oncle Germain is now upset. Uncle Germain is suddenly psychic because we haven’t told him about my HAM yet.

Papa Raymond dares to say “Well, he can cancel his HAM order.” Maman Jovette declares “Noooooo, that’s what he wants to bring…the HAM, the HAM, the HAM. Lise, I told you they were bringing a HAM! You should have told Diane not to buy a HAM.

Lise says “Noooooooooooo, I told you Diane was bringing a ^7%$#(! HAM.” This makes Lise hang up on Maman Jovette. This HAM has incredible power over our family. The Tragedy of HAMlet.

I tell David who just rolls his eyes. I look at the HAM in the fridge. It looks innocent, but I know it’s dangerous. I decide to pass it on to another unsuspecting and less fortunate family.

I want a perfect Christmas dang it, and I will do whatever it takes.

Fa la la la la.

Copyright Diane Sesler 12/10/2010