The yearly torture trip is due. It's time for the sisters to get a mammogram. The uncomfortable visualization in my head makes me wince. Boobie pancakes minus the syrup comes to mind. Fingernails on a chalkboard is a better alternative than this once a year exam.
As usual, the waiting room's thermostat is set on the icicle position. An unfriendly nurse with upside down lips hands me a paper thin robe. She gives me tiny white stick on's with a silver ball on the end of the disks to put on the tip of my breasts. I feel like an old stripper without a pole. I'm shivering into convulsion. My nipples are now frozen. You could play ring toss with them.
I bet an unhappy man invented the squish the tatas machine. He's 4' tall, wears a bad rug, has tiny manicured hands, a long pointy nose and can never get a date. He lives with his mother. He's highly frustrated and invents painful contraptions. I bet I'm right on.Well... perhaps the nose is red and bulbous.and not pointy.
Ms. Ihate Myjob mechanically tells me to get close to the machine. She plops my right boob onto a plate like it's lunchmeat. I'm expecting her to add a sprig of parsley to garnish the dish. Next comes the upper plate that will make me want to poke her in the eyes. The upper plate meets the lower plate and turns me into a fried egg sandwich. "Hold your breath" she barks. Ouch, ouch, ouch! I'm reminded of a Chinese acupuncturist who once said to me "You just big baby!". I feel like just big baby now. Repeat with breast number two. Small tears are collecting at the corner of my eyes. The nurse says "we have to redo the right one". I want to curse obscenities at her..I bite my upper lips and grunt.
Mammograms save lives. They are essential, but do they have to be so frigging painful? I'm esctatic the exam is over for another year. I have the urge to stick my tongue out at the nurse, but refrain from being 12 again. Big baby is buying herself a hot cocoa. Wah wah wah.
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